Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Lazyman weekend wrap up.

Due to being on vacation the only Phils/Yanks baseball I witnessed was the Saturday night Brad Lidge meltdown. I did my best to drink that one away and I am still paying for it now.

Aside from that, I did hear that Mateo Escalera decided to change up his 'swing for the fences' motif and hit an infield single Friday night. I am currently scouring the internet for a video of this feat. If anyone finds it, hook a brother up. More on that as it develops.

Other than that here are my thoughts from yesterday:

Wes Helms, I hate you.
Shane Victorino, what the eff were you thinking?
T-Mac has some nice man-breasts.

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Friday, May 22, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs broke up the supercontinent of Pangea.




+





EQUALS
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

REAL Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs was drafted as a pitcher/SHORTSTOP
by the Montreal Expos.
(I shit you not.)
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs started the Big Bang.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs is the God of Thunder.
(click picture for more fun)

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Got a fact about Matt Stairs? Post it in the comments or e-mail it to CanadianWood12@gmail.com!

Latest Poll Results


So the votes are in and... it's a tie? What the f*** is this?! These kind of things can't end in a stalemate. As of now "get your ass hammered" and "drink a gallon of Canadian Club whiskey" are tied with 8 votes a piece for what you would most like to do with Matt Stairs. We have now updated the poll (right panel) to reflect these two options. There can only be one Highlander, so choose wisely.

Also, don't forget to vote Matt Stairs into the 2009 AllStar game!

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs will be your bodyguard.

(click picture for more fun)

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs is by far the best hitter the Phillies have on the bench.

Sorry no funny pics to go with this one, only straight SCIENCE.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Fact of the Day


Matt Stairs caught The Miracle of 4th and 26.


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The Making of a Folk Hero


John Finger over at CSNPhilly.com wrote a great article yesterday about the folklore legend that is Matt Stairs. As usual Mateo had some great quotable gems:
At 5-foot-9, the off-season high school hockey coach appears as if he could be playing beer league softball with Eagles fans. “Average Joe,” Stairs calls it.

“Let’s face it, I’m not 6-foot-2 and trim. I’m 5-foot-9 and 2-I-really-don’t-care – I still keep myself in good shape,” he said of his physique. “I don’t want to give the fans an excuse not to like me, but I guess when I hit a big home run they say, ‘Hey, that guy is just like us.’”
and
“I always say I take one swing for the fans and the rest for my teammates.”
You can check out the whole article right here.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Fact of the Day


Matt Stairs poops igloos.

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Matt Stairs hits on your Mom... 's Day that is.

It was a rough weekend for those Phightin' Phils after a great outing by Mr. Hollywood Hamels on Friday night. The only good thing that came after the 10-6 win was Mateo contributing the best he could by going 2 for 2 with an RBI double to take the lead on Sunday. Unlucky for us, Jack Taschner was brought in to hold down the fort and he let it collapse worse than the Cowboys' practice facility (when does JC come back again?). Although Matt did a decent job relieving Jayson Werth for the day he couldn't carry the team all by himself. It would have been nice for the top of the line-up to set the table and contribute some base runners... *cough* Jimmy Rollins *cough*

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Friday, May 8, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs doesn't take steroids.
Steroids take Matt Stairs.

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Quotable Stairs

Everyone and their grandmother are weighing in on the whole Man-Ram (Manny Ramirez if you're not into the whole brevity thing) steroid extravaganza. Did he really do it? Will he make the Hall of Fame? Are those braids really extensions? Who cares.

One person that does matter shared his thoughts on the topic. That person is none other than the great Matt Stairs:
"If you know the stuff isn’t on the list, why take it? I know I’m not very smart, but I know I can figure that one out. There are a bunch of guys who are going to have to stop taking all this health shit and go back to being chubby and having fun.

I think now there are guys who are taking MLB approved supplements and sticking with it,” Stairs said. “But I’ve never even used that stuff and never will unless someone puts it in my drink by mistake."
Amen Mateo, A-MEN. *flexes beer gut*

Also, I would like to point out that the stuff Manny tested postive for was HCG which comes from pregnant women's pee. Pour that on your Cheerios and eat it.

Thanks to our friend Amanda at Swing and a Long Drive for the tip.

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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs is what's nailin' Palin.
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Got a fact about Matt Stairs? Post it in the comments or e-mail it to CanadianWood12@gmail.com!

K-Rod's Delivery

Can be summed up in one picture:


His delivery is busier than Michael Jackson's hands at a Jonas Brothers concert.

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs can smoke his own weight in meth and then sleep for 4 days straight.

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Got a fact about Matt Stairs? Post it in the comments or e-mail it to CanadianWood12@gmail.com!

The magic of the Canadian Wood

Yesterday Shane Victorino went 4 for 5 with a homer, a double, and 3 RBIs, he was just a triple shy of going the cycle. Now Shane has been off to a very good start here in '09, but it turns out that there was a little more going on than just Vic starting off hot..... HE WAS USING MATT STAIRS' BAT. Take a look at the screen shot below to see what we're talking about:

There you can see #12 clearly written for the man himself, Mateo Escalera. Thanks to our friends over at theFightins.com for the tip!

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This is what happens when you catch a scorcher off the bat of Matt Stairs:






As Chris Wheeler put it last night, "[Thurston] didn't catch the ball, the ball caught him."


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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Legend of Mateo Escalera Clause (that's Matt Stairs Clause for those of you who no habla espanol)





















Did you know Matt Stairs is a not just a star in the United States and Canada, but his fame extends over the entire North American continent? Here's a gem from SI.com chronicling the adventures of Matt Stairs south of the border during his winters playing in Navojoa, Mexico. While the "goateed and neckless Canuck" was initially regarded with skepticism and even contempt, he grew to become a legend among the natives that Santa Clause wishes he could live up to.
"He's part of us," says Navojoa mayor Carlos Quiroz. "When Matt is hitting well, the people are happy. When he's not, the people are sad." Victor Cuevas, Los Mayos' principal owner, says, "People love Matt Stairs." And he's right. They love Stairs because he wins batting titles and hits long home runs over the Tecate beer sign in right-centerfield. They love him because he'll play any position at any time. They love him because even though he makes his living as a leftfielder and cleanup hitter in the major leagues, he comes to play in a rickety-bus league. They love him for his jovial unshaven face and his big belly and the way, between spits of chewing tobacco, he takes hard puffs off his cigarettes like a hard-boiled Navojoan."
Funny, that's exactly why I love Matt Stairs. The article goes on to talk about how Matt Stairs dominated this Mexican League for a few years by leading the league in average, RBIs and homeruns, playing every position (except catcher) and even taking on a manager/player role to lead the team into the playoffs. He was eventually offered a 10% ownership of the team as a thank you. Unfortunately, not everyone was aware of Matt Stairs star status in the small Mexican town. Kevin Millar, now a major league vetern, enters the hall of shame by not knowing who Matt Stairs was. Said Millar,
"I'd never met Matt," says Millar. "He was supposed to hit fourth that day, but it was 20 minutes before the game and he hadn't shown up. It got to be 10 minutes before game time, then five, and still no Matt. Finally, when the umpires were meeting at home plate, this guy walked into the dugout wearing jeans and boots and smoking a cigarette. He just pulled on his uniform, went up there and yanked a home run. I was like, Who the f—is this guy?"
The town mayor, Carlos Quiroz, also decided to add another fact to the Stairs Fact Vault: "Whenever I meet kids, I ask them what they want to do when they get older," says Quiroz. "Many say, 'Be Matt Stairs.' " If only all children across the world had such glorious ambitions.
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New Poll

Check it out on the right column and cast your vote.
But most importantly, don't forget to vote
Matt Stairs into the 2009 All-Star game!


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Monday, May 4, 2009

Fact of the Day


When Helen Keller was born she could see and hear perfectly till the day she was blindsided by a fungo bat foul ball during Matt Stairs' batting practice.

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Got a fact about Matt Stairs? Post it in the comments or e-mail it to CanadianWood12@gmail.com!

Random Thoughts with Canadian Q. Woodley


Why did Uncle Cholly put right-hander Miguel Cairo in as a pinch hitter on Friday? Not only is he hitting .000, but Mets pitcher JJ Putz is also righty and Matt Stairs (a lefty) was still available. Did Cairo have amazing numbers against Putz from his years in the AL that I don't know about? Why is Cairo still on the bench at this point? I don't get it.

If anyone has a clue to any of these questions, please fill me in.

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Fear the Wood

Looks like another pitcher succumbed to the fear of the Canadian Wood. This time it was none other that the Mets' Sean Green (pictured left). Scared that putting one pitch anywhere near the plate would result in a bottom of the 10th walk off moon-shot homerun, he instead hit Matt Stairs with the first pitch.

Ultimately Green loaded the bases and walked in the winning run in true late September Mets form.

Overall it was a great game that included the ejecting of some Metro scum that yours truly was there to witness first hand. More on that over at theFightins.com.

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Friday, May 1, 2009

Partners in Crime

Our friends over at PhoulBallz had a great question: What would happen if Wolverine and Matt Stairs duked it out? They had some of their colleagues/readers send in what they think would happen. Stairs' Way to Heaven was invited to participate, but we suck at checking our e-mail and missed out on that golden opportunity.
One of our favorite outcomes is below.

"(The fight) would rage on for hours, as both men are indestructible forces. Eventually, both tired and worn-out, they would return to their Canadian roots, share a Labatt Blue, and egg David Wright's house."

Click here for the whole post.

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Fact of the Day

Matt Stairs impregnated the Octomom.
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Got a fact about Matt Stairs? Post it in the comments or e-mail it to CanadianWood12@gmail.com!

The votes are in.


Thank you to everyone that participated in our first poll! 76% of you (33 out of 43) agree that Matt Stairs is not only the greatest Canadian MLB player, but he is also the greatest Canadian ever. You guys read our mind.

New poll up shortly, stay tuned.



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